A Prayer Please

A few short weeks ago, Feb. 28th, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Today, March 28^th, she is having surgery to remove the cancer-infected area of her colon. They are doing what is called a Right Hemicolectomy. Basically they will be removing the right side of her large intestine where the tumor is, and a small part of the upper portion. Her prognosis is good at this point. They believe that the cancer is contained in this section and has not spread to the surrounding tissue and organs. They will do biopsies of the surrounding area and lymph nodes at surgery to verify this but the Doctors are all very optimistic.

 Over the last few weeks I have felt every single emotion that exists. I was faced with the evidence of mortality staring me in the face. The thought of loosing a parent is one of the most heart wrenching thoughts in existence. I must admit that I really freaked out when I first heard the news. I cried for hours. Being a Type A personality didn’t help. When I am given a problem, my initial reaction is to find the solution and solve the problem. Well, this time there was not one damn thing I could do about it; nothing I could do to solve this horrendous problem my mother and family was now facing.

I didn’t know where to turn or who to talk to. I didn’t want to talk to friends or family who would just say everything would be ok, I needed to know that it would be ok. Not knowing what else to do. I turned to the twitter world and was comforted by some of the best people in the world. Those people pulled me from the chaos that was running rampant through my head and back to reality. They told me that everything I was feeling was normal and that it was ok to feel the way I was. Wanting to scream at the world was allowed. My friends encouraged me to write, to release it in any way that I could, so I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I was able to start coping with the daunting dilemma in front of me.

I have stayed strong for my mother and father, for my brothers and my children. I even held it together when in the midst of all of this, my cousin passed away. I don’t think that has even hit me fully yet. Today will be the longest day of my life. I was going to say that I slept like ass last night, but I don’t think you could call what I did sleep. In a few short hours my mom, the best friend that I have ever had or ever will, will go into surgery and I sit again, not being able to do anything, except wait for news that everything went fine. Well, not wanting to feel that I way, I have decided that there is one thing I could do and that’s where you come in. I ask for a simple little thing, a prayer, a prayer that she will come through today with no complications. Maybe if enough people ask, God will hear. That’s my hope and motive right now. Thank you to everyone that has helped me through these last few weeks and to everyone else, Go and hug someone you love today and tell them how much they mean to you.

Comfort in strange places.

A cry for help entered the night.

Guilt filled the soul at the thought,

One turning for comfort was seen

with annoyance, then reality tore.

Conceit for ones self, ones own long day,

fell away, into selflessness, listening and comfort.

Talk it through, be caring and loving,

stay on the line and I’ll carry you through it.

To hear one so strong, sound so weak,

So in need, of me? When panic ensued,

a calm affirmation arose; you will be fine.

Your knight will come and rescue you.

He will be by your side, as soon as he can,

Taking you to that place of care.

The duty is done, a sigh a relief.

I can go and rest with the good deed complete.

So waiting to hear, of the heroic feats

word did not come, calling back conquered.

Another day for the word, not this or that,

patience quickly becoming an important ally.

Life goes on, without a care or a clue,

No news is good news,

Go on and live life, as you always have.

Your time for being the strong one is done.

Oh that thought is still stuck in my brain,

I can be vain, conceited and selfish.

Push her away, tuck down deep

Importance is now where it should be, me.

I wish for the innocence that once had

before this dark day came.

Untouchable, strong and really ok

not a care in the world, life is normal.

Then darkness, that beast of the abyss,

reached in and took hold, twisting

gnawing and killing my soul.

No tears can come now.

I stayed strong for a small bit of time.

Enough to find out, stay sure and calm.

At the end, panic ensued,

Where do I turn, what do I do.

Control has been lost, it’s ugly and cold

Scared, unsure, filled with fear.

How can this monster touch us

Why, her, why not me, where to turn.

A stranger once shared, his heart

A stranger once shared, his pain.

Do I dare, Do I plead for help

to comfort a stranger in need?

Tormented screams fill my head,

make it stop, make it end

This isn’t real. I want to wake up

I’m scared and feel small, insignificant.

Thinking hurt, both head and heart,

Suddenly, quietly things become clear

You are here because I told you to be

You seek your destiny.

Friendships were found, it’s odd

this place of ambiguity, true heroes

My ladies of distraction, of fun

Wrapped in the comfort of arms unseen.

Then another reply, a strangers words

It’s scary as hell, he won’t lie.

Be strong and try, take it all in

Make sure you appreciate & love; value.

Numbness ensues, until the word is given

Patience, I’ve had is falling away,

I want to breath, but don’t dare,

Denial, mistakes must have been made.

The sudden feeling of a hand,

Invisible, but there

guiding me, pushing me, holding me.

Open up eyes, look, see.

Escape from the pain, a smile a laugh.

Push panic away, push away fear.

Wait darling, wait,

Live life till you hear.

It’s hard to stay me, show no fear

A mask is donned, face the day

The monsters on the doorstep

But you mustn’t give in

Holding on tight, to hope

fearing the worst.

Spinning out of control, tether me

hold me down, I don’t want to be lost.

This hell, that is life, must be hidden.

Strength and courage must avail

Time for me later, I trust

Now is for love, no regrets.

An odd time to be thankful,

When filled with the pain

The anger the remorse.

But I am, I have to be, nothing else matters.

Time mustn’t be wasted, ignored

Time mustn’t be filtered.

My shallow existence is gone,

Innocence lost, withered, dry.

A week of hell awaits, carry on

Carry her, her needs her wants

The time for me is later,

My love must shine through.

I must survive the insanity in my own head,

My solace has been sought,

I cover in jest, my feelings, my heart.

Flirt, love, be me, stay who I am

That’s who she made me to be,

strong, caring and true.

Carry on each day until the word comes

I am her, she is me, love hurts right now

Affection for friends and strangers I have

They’re keeping me tethered, tied down.

Words hit home, never thinking they would,

You have to deal with it, so you will.

There’s no turning back, no do over’s this time

Take what is given, no matter how long

Time is too short, to wallow to pity

I’ll put on my brave face now, keep living.