Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Prayer Please

A few short weeks ago, Feb. 28th, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Today, March 28th, she is having surgery to remove the cancer-infected area of her colon. They are doing what is called a Right Hemicolectomy. Basically they will be removing the right side of her large intestine where the tumor is, and a small part of the upper portion. Her prognosis is good at this point. They believe that the cancer is contained in this section and has not spread to the surrounding tissue and organs. They will do biopsies of the surrounding area and lymph nodes at surgery to verify this but the Doctors are all very optimistic.
 Over the last few weeks I have felt every single emotion that exists. I was faced with the evidence of mortality staring me in the face. The thought of loosing a parent is one of the most heart wrenching thoughts in existence. I must admit that I really freaked out when I first heard the news. I cried for hours. Being a Type A personality didn’t help. When I am given a problem, my initial reaction is to find the solution and solve the problem. Well, this time there was not one damn thing I could do about it; nothing I could do to solve this horrendous problem my mother and family was now facing.
I didn’t know where to turn or who to talk to. I didn’t want to talk to friends or family who would just say everything would be ok, I needed to know that it would be ok. Not knowing what else to do. I turned to the twitter world and was comforted by some of the best people in the world. Those people pulled me from the chaos that was running rampant through my head and back to reality. They told me that everything I was feeling was normal and that it was ok to feel the way I was. Wanting to scream at the world was allowed. My friends encouraged me to write, to release it in any way that I could, so I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I was able to start coping with the daunting dilemma in front of me.
I have stayed strong for my mother and father, for my brothers and my children. I even held it together when in the midst of all of this, my cousin passed away. I don’t think that has even hit me fully yet. Today will be the longest day of my life. I was going to say that I slept like ass last night, but I don’t think you could call what I did sleep. In a few short hours my mom, the best friend that I have ever had or ever will, will go into surgery and I sit again, not being able to do anything, except wait for news that everything went fine. Well, not wanting to feel that I way, I have decided that there is one thing I could do and that’s where you come in. I ask for a simple little thing, a prayer, a prayer that she will come through today with no complications. Maybe if enough people ask, God will hear. That’s my hope and motive right now. Thank you to everyone that has helped me through these last few weeks and to everyone else, Go and hug someone you love today and tell them how much they mean to you.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Comfort in strange places.

A cry for help entered the night.
Guilt filled the soul at the thought,
One turning for comfort was seen
with annoyance, then reality tore.

Conceit for ones self, ones own long day,
fell away, into selflessness, listening and comfort.
Talk it through, be caring and loving,
stay on the line and I’ll carry you through it.

To hear one so strong, sound so weak,
So in need, of me? When panic ensued,
a calm affirmation arose; you will be fine.
Your knight will come and rescue you.

He will be by your side, as soon as he can,
Taking you to that place of care.
The duty is done, a sigh a relief.
I can go and rest with the good deed complete.

So waiting to hear, of the heroic feats
word did not come, calling back conquered.
Another day for the word, not this or that,
patience quickly becoming an important ally.

Life goes on, without a care or a clue,
No news is good news,
Go on and live life, as you always have.
Your time for being the strong one is done.

Oh that thought is still stuck in my brain,
I can be vain, conceited and selfish.
Push her away, tuck down deep
Importance is now where it should be, me.

I wish for the innocence that once had
before this dark day came.
Untouchable, strong and really ok
not a care in the world, life is normal.

Then darkness, that beast of the abyss,
reached in and took hold, twisting
gnawing and killing my soul.
No tears can come now.

I stayed strong for a small bit of time.
Enough to find out, stay sure and calm.
At the end, panic ensued,
Where do I turn, what do I do.

Control has been lost, it’s ugly and cold
Scared, unsure, filled with fear.
How can this monster touch us
Why, her, why not me, where to turn.

A stranger once shared, his heart
A stranger once shared, his pain.
Do I dare, Do I plead for help
to comfort a stranger in need?

Tormented screams fill my head,
make it stop, make it end
This isn’t real. I want to wake up
I’m scared and feel small, insignificant.

Thinking hurt, both head and heart,
Suddenly, quietly things become clear
You are here because I told you to be
You seek your destiny.

Friendships were found, it’s odd
this place of ambiguity, true heroes
My ladies of distraction, of fun
Wrapped in the comfort of arms unseen.

Then another reply, a strangers words
It’s scary as hell, he won’t lie.
Be strong and try, take it all in
Make sure you appreciate & love; value.

Numbness ensues, until the word is given
Patience, I’ve had is falling away,
I want to breath, but don’t dare,
Denial, mistakes must have been made.

The sudden feeling of a hand,
Invisible, but there
guiding me, pushing me, holding me.
Open up eyes, look, see.

Escape from the pain, a smile a laugh.
Push panic away, push away fear.
Wait darling, wait,
Live life till you hear.

It’s hard to stay me, show no fear
A mask is donned, face the day
The monsters on the doorstep
But you mustn’t give in

Holding on tight, to hope
fearing the worst.
Spinning out of control, tether me
hold me down, I don’t want to be lost.

This hell, that is life, must be hidden.
Strength and courage must avail
Time for me later, I trust
Now is for love, no regrets.

An odd time to be thankful,
When filled with the pain
The anger the remorse.
But I am, I have to be, nothing else matters.

Time mustn’t be wasted, ignored
Time mustn’t be filtered.
My shallow existence is gone,
Innocence lost, withered, dry.

A week of hell awaits, carry on
Carry her, her needs her wants
The time for me is later,
My love must shine through.

I must survive the insanity in my own head,
My solace has been sought,
I cover in jest, my feelings, my heart.
Flirt, love, be me, stay who I am

That’s who she made me to be,
strong, caring and true.
Carry on each day until the word comes
I am her, she is me, love hurts right now

Affection for friends and strangers I have
They’re keeping me tethered, tied down.
Words hit home, never thinking they would,
You have to deal with it, so you will.

There’s no turning back, no do over’s this time
Take what is given, no matter how long
Time is too short, to wallow to pity
I’ll put on my brave face now, keep living.