Selfless vs. Selfish
Not sure how to start. I’ve
been bombarded with so much over the last couple of months that I feel like I’m
spiraling down into a pit full of monsters that are trying to suck every last
bit of hope and optimism out of me. I try to ignore the sad, melancholy
doldrums I find myself in more often than I have in a long time. But the more I
try to ignore it, the harder it is to do what I need to do. I find myself
procrastinating more than I have in my entire life and ignoring things and people
I shouldn’t. I’m filling my day with stupid mind numbing games or web surfing,
anything to avoid the pain that accompanies my reality.
My mom is dying. There. I
said it. And I don’t mean dying as in, everyone does sometime, but as in the
ruthless monster that is cancer is killing my mom. She’s fought SO hard over
the last few years, but it’s finally beaten her. The fact that she had colon
cancer was bad enough. We later found out she had an extremely aggressive
mutated form of it. It spread through out her entire abdomen, her liver and her
lungs. The last round of chemo she was on wasn’t curing her, or even killing
the cancer, it was at best, just keeping it managed, and it wasn’t spreading. My
personal life was coming together, my daughter was about to graduate high
school and my youngest was embarking on her first trip away from home, down to
Key West. Be careful thinking that everything is ever as good as you think it
can be. A month and a half ago I received a phone call from my dad, telling me
that her bowel had ruptured and I needed to get there as soon as I could. I did
just that but wasn’t there before she had to go into surgery. They just
couldn’t wait. That was the most agonizing 5½ hour drive, the not knowing. My
struggled begins there, is it selfless or selfish that I wish she had passed
away then.
That feels so wrong to say
out loud, or at least write down. I love my mom SO much and I’ve watched her
pain and anger at the filthy disease called cancer. She has been fighting so
hard, how can I just sit back and wish that? I hate myself for feeling that,
but I do. I will NEVER be able to get the vision of her out of my head when I
finally made it to the hospital. Death was standing in her room that night. I
couldn’t see him, but I felt him. I wish he had taken her that night. She is a
shell of a human now. There will never be any quality of life. My mom is at
home now, with hospice care. I went up a few weeks ago to help my dad and
brother out in taking care of her. She is so frail and weak, dependent on
everyone else to care for her. She can’t eat and can barely drink water. My mom
who taught me to be a strong, independent woman is not that at all anymore.
There are glimpses of her now
and again, when she’s not sleeping. Her mind is there, but her body is failing
her. The week I spent up caring for her was the hardest thing I have ever been
through and believe me, that’s saying a lot. I stayed strong for her and my
dad. I stood my ground with my brother who I feel will ALWAYS see me as a
little kid. I cleaned up poo and vomit, dispensed medicine, changed sheets and
dressing gowns, bathed and massaged. I scrubbed the house from one end to the
other, dusted and vacuumed and swept and cleared out all the crap junk food my
dad had been buying and stocked his fridge with healthy food, veggies, fruits
and proteins. I was a good daughter, did my part.
I did my part… That’s where I
feel even worse. Am I selfish for partially wanting to go? I feel an immense
guilt for leaving all the while feeling a bit relieved. I’m angry that this
monster has taken my mom from me. I’m angry that I can’t be there everyday to
help out. I’m angry that I had to leave. I’m angry that I wanted to leave. I’m
angry that she is still suffering. I’m angry that she confided in me that she
wished my dad had slept just an hour longer and hadn’t found her in time. I’m
angry that I agree with her. I could go on and on at what I’m angry about,
another 4 or 5 pages I’m sure.
I want my mom back and she
isn’t even gone yet. How the hell do I accept this? How do I let go? When does
ANY of this start to make sense?
Boy does that bring back so many memories. Eight years and it still feels like yesterday. Cancer is evil. There are no two ways about it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could find words to make this easier for you, to ease some of the pain and guilt. To somehow help you get off the rollercoaster of emotions and the seesaw of conflicting feelings. Not ready to give her up but wanting her pain to end. If I can offer some thoughts that helped me approach it, maybe this will ease some of the anguish. This may not be relevant to you but it's all I can offer.
My mother and I talked alot the last few months, more often that we had during other periods of my life - there had been several points where our relationship could be called rocky at best. Many of these conversations were much more meaningful than normal. Every conversation we had, as weak as she was, she continued to try to make this horrible situation easier for me. During one of the last truly coherent talks I had with my mother, among other things, she told me that one of the hardest things for her had been to let me go and find my own way. (I moved halfway across the country when I was 20) This occurred during one of those rocky periods and she was supportive about my move so I was completely unaware of that. She also told me that she thought I was a good mother and she was proud of me for it. Thinking about those two things one sleepless night brought me some clarity and gave me a path. With the role reversal where I was now the caregiver and she was now the one needing to be taken care of, I saw that it was now up to me to make this easier for her. With everything I did after that - I tried to keep that in mind despite how much I still wanted to be the daughter with her making things all better for me. It was my role now to let her go and I had to tell her it was ok. I was the last person to talk to my mother, and as hard as it was, I did just that.
You are your mother's daughter and as you wrote - she raised you to be a strong and independent woman. She believes in you - hold on to that. And just keep breathing. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. xx
<3 Thank you sweetie. It means the world to me.
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